The Suicide Squad
by cobra-2k
Summary: The most dangerous group of acolytes in the sector...to heretics and themselves! Follow our fearless heroes as they traipse across the galaxy and take no prisoners even when expressly told to do so!
1. Here Comes the Suicide Squad!

LAST TIME ON "THE SUICIDE SQUAD!"

"I hope you know what you're doing."

"Relax, I've seen plenty of murders. Each one murder-er than the last."

"And what do we burn apart from heretics?"

"More hereti- ow!"

"How can anything evil taste so delicious?"

"Don't you see? That's how they _get you_!"

"Butter!"

"Why _did_ you hire them, anyway?"

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: "HERE COMES THE SUICIDE SQUAD!"

* * *

Inquisitor Len Haraz sighed with dread as he gave the order to his adjutant. "Send them in." The man swallowed audibly before making his way to the bridge's ship address system and giving the order. The tech-priests who were still human enough to have reactions shuddered at the mention of Cell Delta-Nine. And then it was done, in a few minutes they'd be standing before him, assembled in the same formation they'd assumed since he'd hired them two years ago, an order he would have dearly loved to see change every so often, but the stubborn fools abjectly refused to die.

It wasn't that they were incompetent, far from it. It wasn't the fairly high maintenance that their special weaponry required. It wasn't their propensity for needless violence. It wasn't even their obvious, almost blithering madness. What made Delta-Nine so infuriating was that they always so Emperor-damned _happy_ about the whole thing.

No one else had ever actually dared to attack prisoners who'd surrendered. No one else considered subtlety and discretion to be anathema. No one else would have cut the head off a young boy who'd been abused by a Chaos cult "just to be sure." No one else would preach gleefully at the workers on the ship about the Emperor's purifying flame. And certainly no one else could have learned about the awful nickname that Delta-Nine had been given, and honestly believe that it was meant as a compliment.

The doors to the bridge elevator opened, and out stepped the collection of psychopaths that made up acolyte cell Delta-Nine, Inquisitor Haraz's notorious "Suicide Squad." Always in that same formation, since they day they'd all met, and always wearing those same smiles, so genuinely pleased to be of service. They didn't bother with a salute, they were far too informal for that. The occasional "sir" was the most he could hope for out of them.

Haraz repressed another sigh and took the time to tune his vox-caster unit. Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered with them. "Gentlemen," he began, the bridge quieting as everyone strained to hear the inquisitor's words, "this next mission is of the utmost importance to our cause." It was barely even worth his time. "The life of the segmentum itself is at risk." It was a fairly minor cult, nothing to be worried about. "I have need of your specialized skills in eradicating the foul taint of heresy from the planet Onthic." This would keep them out of his hair for a while and give them something to kill to keep them happy.

Of course, it was then that Haraz looked a bit more closely at them, and noticed something amiss. Namely, he noticed a small, fluffy thing being cradled in the arms of one of Delta-Nine's psykers, Rhys. At first, he thought it was some kind of animal, but as he watched it, he realized that it was some manner of sphere with a fluffy animal-like tail attached to it. "Rhys," he said, feeling a headache coming on, "what is _that_?"

Rhys was mute, and spoke only through a vox-caster unit like his own. But for whatever reason, he mostly kept quiet anyway. In case of point, he looked down at the device in his arms (expression one of utter amazement, as though he was confused by its presence as well), looked back at Haraz, and shrugged.

"I found it," came a booming voice to Rhys' left. "He wanted it." Easily the most physically intimidating of the cell, Krek was pushing seven feet tall and had proportions that wouldn't have looked out of place on an ogryn. His Guard regiment, one of very few from his planet, were more than a little put off by how unbelievably amusing he found his autocannon, but Haraz knew that of this particular outfit, he was probably the most sane. Hell, at least he never fired on his own, which is more than you can say for some inquisitors.

"And...what is it?"

Krek shrugged, the mountain of a man seeming to ripple with the movement. At that point, the man next to Krek stepped forward, and from his expression, Haraz knew that he wasn't going to like what was coming up. Not that he had any reason to: "Brother" Adell was probably the craziest person in his employ, and one of the craziest he'd met in his life. He wasn't really a priest, had never been ordained by the Ecclessiarchy, but was instead a one-time member of the Cult of the Red Redemption. He didn't consider himself of their number anymore since joining the Inquisition, citing a conflict of beliefs. Namely, a _true_ Redemptionist would have been trying to set Rhys and Conway on fire. "I believe," he began, the venom clear in his voice, "that the device is of a _heretical nature_!"

"You said the same of the last piece of archeotech we found," Haraz replied.

"Indeed."

"It was used to toast bread."

"It still is!" chimed in Conway, the group's biomancer, from Rhys' right. Haraz noticed now that Conway was cheerfully clutching about six pieces of toast in his hands.

Adell whirled on him and practically screamed, "_And I don't trust it_!"

"Brother, please," Haraz held up his hands placatingly, "I'll ask Mai to look at it, so please just let it go."

Adell grumbled and returned to his place in line. Conway passed a piece of toast down to him, which he accepted grudgingly.

"Right," Haraz began again. "So I'm sending you all to Onthic to dismantle a Slaaneshi cult taking root there."

"Slaanesh is..." Conway muttered, "the one with the skulls, right?"

"Slaanesh is the demon prince," Adell answered before Haraz, "the Despoiler and Prince of Pleasure. He tempts and corrupts subtly." For all his tiresome qualities, the man knew a thing or two. "Most of his cults are hedonistic, they like to trap people with drugs and sex."

It was then that Rhys chose to speak, looking up from his...whatever that thing was, and voicing the question on his mind. "Babes?" intoned the vox-caster. Haraz could almost hear the machinery inside the device working to accommodate the psyker's scattered thought process.

Adell glared at him. "Rhys, we're on a mission from the Inquisition! There will be no time for your childish ramblings!"

"And cultists have mutations," Krek added thoughtfully.

"And even if they didn't, they'd still be heretics," Conway noted between mouthfuls of toast.

Rhys pondered this for a moment, looking at the ceiling as though something interesting had captured his attention. Not bothering to look at anyone else in the room, he announced his conclusion. "Heresy is bad."

"Quite right," Haraz said, raising his voice before they started talking about fire. "And that's why you need to eradicate the heresy on Onthic before it's too late."

Krek raised a hand. "Can we bring some help?"

Haraz thought for a second. Though he'd regret it later, he shrugged. "I suppose so. Who do you have in mind?"

* * *

And thus it was that Adell, Conway, Rhys, Krek, Shira (a tech-priestess in training), and Cornelius disembarked onto the planet Onthic. Surveying the gritty majesty of the starport before them, the group could only bow their heads in wonder and try to avoid the splatter caused by Cornelius violently throwing up as soon as he stepped off the ship.

Krek patted him on the back. It looked surprisingly more like pounded him, but there you have it. "There, there, sire. The trip's over. Now we just need to find the people to kill."

Cornelius looked back at his subject meekly. Cornelius was, as far as anyone else knew, a prince of Krek's homeworld Soria. Unfortunately, his sickly constitution and mild manner made him a rather poor fit for the stressful life of a nobleman he was born to, and so he'd been sent into the Guard to toughen him up. Naturally, getting shot at doesn't do much in the way of improving one's health, and so he'd found a role as Krek's assistant, carrying the ammo and maintaining the smooth whirlwind of death that was Krek's autocannon. The rest of the Suicide Squad believed that the gun was named "Sasha," but hadn't been able to confirm this.

Rhys poked Adell to get his attention, and pointed enthusiastically at the inquisitor's ship as it made its way make into high orbit. "Really is incredible, isn't it?" Adell said. Rhys nodded happily in approval. "Not often we get to see it from the outside."

Conway squinted at the ship, growing fainter on the horizon. "What's that...writing on the side?"

"Ship's name," Krek replied, still rubbing Cornelius' back.

The ten year old tech-priestess chirped from beside Conway's leg where she stood, barely coming up to his shins. "The Inquisitorial starship, 'Set Shit On Fire In the Name Of the Emperor!'"

"'Our thoughts light the Darkness that others may cross through space. We are one with the Emperor, our souls are joined in his will.'" Adell intoned, and they bowed their heads in prayer. For about two seconds. It was basically reflex to bow their heads whenever Adell adopted his "prayer voice," and just as reflexive to ask what on earth he meant afterwards.

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Conway.

Adell glared at him. "It's about ships. And warp travel."

"What was that from?" asked Shira.

"Never heard it before," chimed in Cornelius, before another bout of sickness took up his attention.

"It's from the..." for a moment, Adell forgot to look angry, too busy looking confused. "...the...something to do with the Astronomicon."

"You said there was something in 'something to do with the Astronomicon' that gave you the right to take that one guy's food that one time," said Krek.

"That was in there too," Adell said as he looked away from them. Rhys was the only one that could hear the muttered addition of "somewhere." Fortunately, Adell had shared the food with him that time, so Adell said it was in that one thing about the Astronomicon, than by the Emperor, it was in that one thing about the Astronomicon. "He was guilty of something, anyway, lucky a little food was all we decided to take."

"Fire!" Rhys said happily.

"Fire," Adell agreed.

They walked on towards the hotel they'd been told to meet their contact at. The hive's smoggy atmosphere seemed to occlude them as they walked further away from the starport. Any casual observer would have lost sight of them quickly enough, but their pursuer was not a casual observer.

Finely tuned surveillance devices zoomed in to ascertain the physical threat each acolyte posed. Perfectly calibrated microphones picked up and recorded their conversation.

"Is that seriously the name of the ship?"

"Yeah! I helped the inquisitor choose it myself!"

"Wha...but you're only ten. The ship's thousands of years old."

"Well, the inquisitor wanted to give it a name better-suited to his needs."

"Ah."

A minute or so of silence.

"Credo. It was the Credo of the Astronomicon."

_Oh yeah_, thought the spy. He shook his head and turned off the surveillance devices. _We are gonna murder the hell out of these idiots_.

* * *

Will our heroes get the hell murdered out of them?

Just what was that thing that Rhys had?

Whose idea was it to have a ten-year-old girl on this mission anyway?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON "THE SUICIDE SQUAD!"


	2. Preliminary Investimagations

LAST TIME ON "THE SUICIDE SQUAD!"

"When did you get a 'Dangerously Bishie' shirt?"

"Our only option is to destroy the main generator powering the backup servers. That's the only way we can ensure that the Inquisitorial porn stash remains secret."

"I'll ask again sir: _where did you find that little girl?_!"

"Is heresy heresy if done in the name of the Emperor?"

"Don't catch the flowers! You'll be infected with the _derp!_"

"No, seriously, sir, why in the name of the rosette did you hire them?"

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: "PRELIMINARY INVESTIMAGATIONS!"

* * *

The poor soul who ran the Grox's Tail Hotel never saw it coming. Well, he saw the door open and saw a group of people walk in, but he never saw the explosion that would shortly destroy his hotel coming. But then, no one did.

"Good day, gentlemen," he said, as the group approached. "And little lady," he added when he saw the little girl following close behind. "Family vacation?"

Adell responded first, which was a sure sign of trouble. "No, we're with the In-" Fortunately he was cut off as Rhys jabbed him sharply in the ribs. He quickly feigned coughing while Conway took over.

"We just moved here, Administratum transferred us from off-planet, and we need a place to stay until housing can be arranged." He said, giving the front desk man his widest smile.

The man nodded and peered at his ledger. "And did you have a reservation?"

Conway's smile faltered. He glanced around at the lobby. "Do we need one?"

"Can't have a room without a reservation."

"Good sir, this establishment is clearly a hellhole."

"What makes you say that?"

Rhys pointed at the desk, where a roach had clambered onto the desk bell. The manager shooed it away hurriedly and grinned in an attempt to save face. "It's just that we're full up at the moment."

At that point, Krek stepped in front of Conway to glare down at the man. The poor manager shivered under the larger man's gaze. Krek said menacingly, without blinking, "I will reach into my pocket. What is in there will be our reservation."

The manager (Collins to his friends) shook visibly as Krek slowly reached into his left-hand pocket. He brought his hand back up, held it in front of Collins' face, and Collins closed his eyes and whimpered softly when Krek opened his hands-

And then he heard the distinct _clink clink_ of metal on wood, and opened his eyes to see what had to be about fifty Thrones being deposited on the desk. Practically laughing with glee and relief, he gathered them up as he put on his best sycophant voice. "Oh, yes, your reservation's all in order! Our finest rooms on the top floor! Just let me get the bellboy! He'll be here in a moment."

Collins was too busy being happy to notice Krek's confused expression. The other members of the squad sighed and shook their heads. Adell put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "Your gun's in your other pocket."

"Damn," Krek muttered sadly.

* * *

"So, explain again what we're doing and why."

The cultist sighed. "Initiate Eckspos, sometimes I wonder why we bother with you. You have the attention span of an especially stupid grox."

He got no reply.

"Initiate Eckspos?" he prompted.

The other man snapped to attention at his superior's voice. "Sorry, what was that, Brother Ishon? I got distracted."

Ishon buried his face in his hands. "Warp, but that was a predictable joke. How did you ever make Chaos Initiate?"

"I got a top score on my Chaos Exam, Brother. You remember, don't you? You were my Chaos Teacher."

"And it never ceases to amaze me how you graduated from Chaos College. You know, I was fully expecting to give you a Chaos F."

"What would that have entailed, Brother?"

"Remember your Chaos Classmates?"

"No, Brother."

"Precisely. Now think carefully, Initiate. My psychic abilities let me read the pasts of people I see in order to ascertain the level of threat they pose to our organization. I'm here, and you're here as my assistant, and right now we're shadowing some people that just got off a very obvious Inquisition ship. So tell me: what do you _think_ we're doing?"

The silence went on far longer than Ishon would have wished. Just sitting there, crouching in the darkness of the night on top of the Grox's Tail Hotel's roof, staring at his young ward's eyes swimming in and out of focus. He couldn't help but think that the Chaos Human Resources Department had gone seriously downhill since he'd joined up.

After a very uncomfortable twenty seconds had passed, a light seemed to appear in Eckpos' eyes. "We're here to see how much of a threat these acolytes are to us using your unique ability!"

"Excellent, Initiate. You've really come a long way since that Electric Watermelon Incident."

"I told you, Brother, that squirrel had it coming to him."

"Shut up, Initiate. Now, I can only read a person's past when their mental defenses are down, like when they're in a deep sleep or distracted. So I've prepared a little something from room service. I spiked a bit of their bottle of amasec with our Saturday Night Special."

"I love Slaanesh."

"As do I. That should knock them out good and proper. And since we're right above their room, all we have to do is watch the fun..."

* * *

The Suicide Squad lurched into the room with their luggage and immediately set about discussing tactical matters.

"I call the bed by the window!"

"I'm youngest, I should get it!"

"There's only four beds, someone has to sleep on the floor."

"No way! Let's just share!"

"Molestation is bad."

"No one's molesting anyone, we're all adults, I think we can get through a mission acting like it."

"I'm only ten."

"Emperor damn it, Shira."

Eventually, the sleeping arrangements were set up. Adell and Shira agreed to share one bed, while Rhys and Conway shared the other. Krek was large enough that no one could share with him, and no one wanted to be next to Cornelius on the off-chance that he had another bout of spontaneous nocturnal vomiting. And then came the thing they'd been waiting for: equipment check.

Of course, Rhys and Conway carried little weaponry, being psykers, and therefore not sane enough to be trusted with anything too dangerous. Content on killing with their minds, they carried only small pistols and knives. Krek hefted Sasha onto his bed and started polishing it, whistling as he did. Cornelius fretted about the autocannon as well, checking all the firing mechanisms to ensure their proper working order. Adell brought out his weathered chainsword and started to practice his sword drills.

Unfortunately, the chainsword being the type favored by the Redemptionists, more of a chainclaymore, he tended to almost murder bystanders while going through these forms. After a great deal of cursing and a broken lamp, he grudgingly agreed to stop thumbing the weapon's trigger while he practiced. "Ruins the whole thing," he muttered.

A knock at the door drew their attention. Everyone froze. Adell set down his sword and took his flamer out of his suitcase (it had been stuffed beside his socks, which were now a little damp from leaked promethium). He approached the door quietly. The knock came again.

Adell signaled to the others using the cell's hand signs. "Possible trap. Get ready." The others drew pistols and got behind what little cover was available. The second the next knock came, Adell wrenched open the door, brought his flamer into position, finger on the trigger, and yelled "AAAAAAAA!"

The bellboy leapt almost four inches in the air and yelled "AAAAAAAA!" in return.

Adell advanced on him a step and thrust the flamer into the man's face. "AAAAAAAAA!"

The man fell and scurried behind the cart he'd brought up, almost sobbing with fear. "AAAAAAAA!"

"Oh, hey, is this food for us?" Adell asked, the flamer still at the ready.

"Y-yes," came a very small voice from behind the cart.

"Oh. Sorry about that," Adell said as he tossed the flamer back into the room casually. Shira caught it, keenly aware that if it had hit the floor, it would have exploded and killed them all. "Kind of on edge from the trip here. C'mon in."

As the squad covertly hid their weapons (not that the man hadn't already seen Adell's flamer and Krek's autocannon wasn't well-disguised by the blanket that he'd hastily thrown over it), the man brought the cart of food in, still visibly shaken. "Will that be all, honored guests?"

Adell inspected the food carefully. Well, he sort of stared at it. "Yeah, looks unpoisoned to me," he concluded. "You can go."

As the man ran out of the room, Rhys hefted a dark green bottle off of the cart. His face lit up as he held it aloft. "Boozamahol!"

Krek gave out a mighty cheer.

* * *

Above the room, lurking in the rafters, Eckspos and Ishon grinned. "Soon," Ishon whispered, "soon their minds will be open for me to use my special psychic ability which is mine and that I employ in the name of Chaos on them so that we may determine their strengths and weaknesses, which is intelligence that will be used against them when we fight them as agents of Chaos!"

"Because they're agents of the Inquisition and therefore _not_ agents of Chaos!"

"Those things being mutually exclusive!" Ishon gloated. "It's all so _perfect_!"

* * *

Adell snatched the wine glass out of Rhys' hand and smashed it on the floor. "To imbibe intoxicating drink is to turn away from the lucidity granted to us by the God-Emperor of Mankind! I won't stand for it!"

Krek sighed. "You'll thank me one day," Adell continued. He bent down to shoo away Shira, who was curiously sniffing at the amasec seeping into the carpet. "Why, what if the enemy had attacked us while we were off our game? What then?"

"I...can't every remember a time where we _were_ on our game," Conway said after thinking for a moment. "Like, every time we've been sent in, we were always up against something absurd."

"Bronze guys," Rhys noted.

"Right," Conway agreed. "Those three bronze malefects."

"That one church," Krek said, still visibly downhearted from the destruction of the bottle.

"Those warp-thingies," Cornelius added.

"That street full of snipers," said Shira.

"And there was that castle," Adell recalled. He smiled pleasantly. "Remember the castle?"

Rhys smiled too. "Unexpected."

"Didn't think stone would burn so easily."

* * *

Above the acolytes, the initiates were not having so happy a time. "I don't..." was all that Ishon managed to get out.

"Well, honestly, who could have seen that coming?" said Eckspos, putting a comforting hand on his superior's shoulder.

"_Us, you idiot_," Ishon said through clenched teeth. "What is he, a Redemptionist or something? Bloody priest!"

He undoubtedly would have gone on, but suddenly he calmed down, and his eyes went out of focus, as the eyes of psykers are wont to do. Then he smiled. "But the big one...he's sad enough about the amasec that I can pierce his mind! Now to use my psychic ability which is mine and unique because only I have it and that I use in the name of Chaos in the name of Chaos to read his past!"

"Wait, hold on, Brother."

"What is it, Initiate?"

"You're a psyker?"

"Shut up, Initiate."

* * *

Is the Redemptionist stance on alcohol wise?

Will the Chaos Human Resources Department improve?

Just what happened with that castle that one time?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON "THE SUICIDE SQUAD!"


End file.
